10 commandments for happiness on the internet

1. Never read the comments. Ever. Doesn't matter what it is, it will always make you angry.

2. Set a time limit and adhere to it. ESPECIALLY on anything that has "page 1...2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 click for more" at the bottom. That is the equivalent of being offered drugs. Do NOT accept them or you'll come to your senses 5 hours later in the middle of the night feeling dehydrated, sick, and with a sense of time loss.

3. Exercise 15-20 minutes just before going online. You'll feel better about yourself and the endorphins will make you feel more kindly to the stupid people who hide in all corners of the internet.

4. Use Facebook to stay in touch with what's happening in other people's lives. Not to voraciously update them on yours (if they really care they'll ask and 85% of your statuses nobody cares about.) Also: block stupid people like there's no tomorrow.

5. Porn is evil. Please have some self control and pick one celebrity to periodically search for naked pictures of and that is IT. Limits are key.

6. Find at least one uplifting thing every time you go on. A picture, a quote, a blog, anything that enriches your life.

7. Never invite anyone to play Farmville, or Mafia Wars, or Castle Crap, or the Sad People's Party Game. Just don't. Nobody likes you when you do that.

8. Internet/Gaming addiction is a real thing and hurts the real people in your life. If you've been told you're addicted or are suffering because of it find a way to get help. People online or people in games are not worth the real people surrounding you in your life. Don't have anyone in real life? Go volunteer somewhere and say hi to people. Bam, problem solved.

9a. Learn to use proper grammar and spelling. It really does matter.
9b. If someone makes a mistake in grammar or spelling calm the $%*# down. I doubt you're perfect. If you were you wouldn't be obsessing over the grammar of someone you don't care about on the internet.

10. For the love of Gmail have a decent email address. Jizzinmypants@hotmail.com is not appropriate for any situation. I mean hotmail? Wth?

Inappropriate

An inappropriate poem

This is an inappropriate poem.
The meter is off,
and the rhythm is just bad.
There's no rhyme scheme holding it together.
Plus it talks about itself. Totally ruins that fourth wall.

It's so very inappropriate.
It brings up words we don't use
in nice poetry,
like penis and vagina,
for no good reason.
And there's fucking cursing for no fucking purpose at all.

Quite inappropriate.
Also it talks about me, the narrator:
Hi there. I'm writing this, inappropriately.
The stanzas don't match and there's no clear
format.
Just improper and did I mention? Inappropriate.

Poop.

A sexy make out session

I was really sexy today. I'm driving and eating taco bell and I take a bite of my burrito, scald my mouth, instinctively open my mouth to get rid of the hot burrito, which then drips down my hand, burns my hand, and then looks ready to fall into my lap, so I try to engulf it with my mouth again. And burn my mouth. I'll bet it looked amazing.

Some poetry...

I wrote this last week, before hearing about hurricane craziness and the earthquake up in Canada. Seems pretty relevant...

Someday

Let’s say there is an earthquake

and no one is prepared.
The walls and ceilings collapse and shake
while people scream and panic; scared.

Let’s say the shaking grows more intense.
The ground begins to roll.
And people try to make some sense
of the unknown mounting toll.

Let’s say your child’s school falls first;
the hilltop houses start to slide.
And then the nearby dam does burst
as people scream, and drown, and cry.

Imagine the ocean rears itself
up to mighty tsunami height.
Let’s say you lose all worldly wealth
while volcanic ash blocks out the light.

Now let’s say the shaking stops.
Let’s think the sky returns to norm.
Let’s say the raging torrent tops.
The ocean finally quits its storm.

Let’s say that none has happened yet;
no country suffered, nor you, nor I.
Let’s tell ourselves we won’t get wet
and by saying this we die.

William Faulkner…A metaphor

Dear Mr. Faulkner,

When I think of your books
One thing comes to mind
When I’m trying to push,
Things out my behind

 Sometimes it’s so hard 
For your words to come out
That I grunt and I strain
And I heave and I shout

You might think me crude
Or say I’ve no class
But William you are
A huge pain in the ass

You twist the intestines
And cause gas inflation
Or make me spew forth
Or cause constipation

The hard bits that get through
Your “nuggets of gold”
Are the baffling reason
That your books get sold

So now Mr. Faulkner
Without much ado,
I just want to say:
William Faulkner? Faulk you.

Raccoons...

So here's the thing with raccoons...They're cute for a reason. In reality they are tricky, vicious and cunning little creatures. But God is smart. He knew that if they weren't cute no one would let them live (just like with children) so he made them absolutely adorable. If you don't agree that raccoons are adorable I offer this argument:

And this one:

Now that you have been swayed by their cuteness I give you this warning:

They are climbing up the cage, and then they proceeded to climb upside down on the roof of their cage. All the doors are double locked because their sweet little hands are DETERMINED to unlock things. They are too smart for their own good, and so make disastrous pets. Also, raccoons are adorable until they hit "puberty." Then they are flooded with ring-tailed hormones and will growl, hiss, puff up and generally be unpleasant towards you. But it's too late, you know they were cute as babies. So their survival is assured. A truly brilliant survival technique.

Which is good, just to be clear. I love raccoons. They are smart, cute, fun to watch, and have a ringed tail which is pretty awesome (I'm also a big ring-tailed lemur fan, just in case you ever needed that fun fact). But it is interesting that the cute, "widdle," fuzzy animals tend to be the meanest (for more information on this phenomenon see my post on rabbits).

All pictures by me, please link to this page :)

It's Nice to be Nice

I like to think that I'm a nice person. I like to think that I try and make people feel good, and give compliments when they're due.

Sometimes that all goes out the window. Literally.

I was in my room with my cousin Mary and my friend Jon and I was feeling very...peppy. We were watching this kid walk his dog in the lot by my window and his dog did his business and it LOOKED like the kid was going to walk away and leave it.

"He better clean up after his dog." said Mary.
"I don't think he's going to." said Jon.
"Oh he will." said I.

Still feeling peppy, I opened my window and yelled "Hey clean up after your dog MORON!" And then amazingly he went and got a bag to clean up after his dog! I watched him dance back to the poop pile...I watched him bend over and stand back up 20 times...and as I watched I realized, "He's special ed. I just screamed at a special ed kid and called him a moron." Jon and Mary laughed hysterically. And I officially am no longer a good person.