I think I just accidentally mooned an old man.
I was outside cleaning out my car so I was kneeling in the back and digging around under my seats to get the colony of taco bell wrappers that had taken up residence there. Unbeknownst to me the old man, who spends every evening sitting on a rock by the sidewalk in front of my apartment complex, had taken up his seat on said rock and was watching me clean out my car.
Which is fine. My car was directly in front of his rock and he was just sitting there, he may have been there the entire time. Little bearded septuagenarians might blend in well with rocks I don't know. But I do know that I was cleaning my car out in a skirt.
Which may or may not have been crawling up.
And I was wearing some of my more "divulging" underwear.
Which may or may not have been crawling up.
So free show on Belmont Ave everyone. Sorry you missed it.
Friday, May 24, 2013
Sunday, May 12, 2013
Kids make you like things you didn't want to: Dora the Explorer
Since my sister has had children I've realized that you can't control people. I imagine when you birth your own progeny you have to realize this too but that's not happening anytime soon. Most of us realize on some level that we can't control other people but then there's children and we think "Well this child is under my care and protection and very impressionable so I do have some measure of control over them." And then you get to know them and realize that they're going to do whatever they damn well please and you have to deal with it. At least that's what happened with my nieces: Thing 1 and Thing 2.
I have always had a fierce and burning scorn for Dora the Explorer.
She doesn't speak Spanish very well and the show, in my opinion, is condescending. And then lo and behold Thing 1 went and got SUPER into Dora the Explorer. She watched Dora on YouTube and Netflix and acted out the scenarios from the shows and loved Dora things and Boot things and anything Dora. And Thing 2 got older and jumped on board with her big sis. And I of course have this urge to hang out with these people and want them to love me (because the only approval worth having is the approval of children) so of course I got stuck watching Dora too. And I had to play the games and reenact the shows and do all that stuff because I'm a good sport and have a desperate need for these kids to think I'm cool.
During all of this I still scorned Dora, but I had to stop making fun of her because the Things loved her so much. And sometimes when I was riding down the river in a couch boat for the fifteenth time I found myself getting caught up in the game and willing to play along. And other times when watching the latest Dora on loan from the library I would catch myself answering Dora when she asked her stupid questions. But it's for the kids right?
Wrong. It didn't stop there. Not only did I play the games but I became the characters. I can be a kick-ass backpack or map. And I sat in that couch-boat on the river longer than the girls did. I got way way way to into watching the shows. In a creepy way. I shouted the right answer to Dora and made everyone else in the house yell it with me (she just stares at you waiting if you don't). And nobody screams "SWIPER NO SWIPING" louder than me when that little bastard is moving in on Dora's stuff. He even has the nerve to steal from Boots. Boots! Who did Boots ever hurt? Swiper is hardcore. And now I get legitimately excited when I find Dora stuff. Buy all the Dora toys! They need their own backpacks! Maps! The Dora picnic basket! Dora has a cousin? Awesome! Bring on Diego! The coolest I've ever been in the eyes of my nieces was working at an animal rehab center "just like Diego." And you know what? I was just like Diego. And I was awesome.
And now that I've learned to love these things what do you think these twerps did? Got into Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell! I have major issues with Tinkerbell.
What else does Dora have in her backpack?!?!?
I have always had a fierce and burning scorn for Dora the Explorer.
 |
| Wth is on the tip of Boot's tail? |
During all of this I still scorned Dora, but I had to stop making fun of her because the Things loved her so much. And sometimes when I was riding down the river in a couch boat for the fifteenth time I found myself getting caught up in the game and willing to play along. And other times when watching the latest Dora on loan from the library I would catch myself answering Dora when she asked her stupid questions. But it's for the kids right?
Wrong. It didn't stop there. Not only did I play the games but I became the characters. I can be a kick-ass backpack or map. And I sat in that couch-boat on the river longer than the girls did. I got way way way to into watching the shows. In a creepy way. I shouted the right answer to Dora and made everyone else in the house yell it with me (she just stares at you waiting if you don't). And nobody screams "SWIPER NO SWIPING" louder than me when that little bastard is moving in on Dora's stuff. He even has the nerve to steal from Boots. Boots! Who did Boots ever hurt? Swiper is hardcore. And now I get legitimately excited when I find Dora stuff. Buy all the Dora toys! They need their own backpacks! Maps! The Dora picnic basket! Dora has a cousin? Awesome! Bring on Diego! The coolest I've ever been in the eyes of my nieces was working at an animal rehab center "just like Diego." And you know what? I was just like Diego. And I was awesome.
And now that I've learned to love these things what do you think these twerps did? Got into Tinkerbell. Tinkerbell! I have major issues with Tinkerbell.
What else does Dora have in her backpack?!?!?
Saturday, May 11, 2013
Vehicular Events
Today I was in my second unfortunate vehicular event.
The first event was driving my bro in-law's car while following him (driving his friend's truck) with his two children in the car. I got distracted by a giant Hindu statue in someone's front yard and rear-ended him. With his own car. And his children. I cannot express how horrified I was. Luckily there was minimal damage that no one made me pay for and no one was injured. But horrifying nonetheless.
The second event was just as mundane. I was driving to work and there was a lot of traffic and I was busting out some of my sweet jams "HAVE YOU EVER HEARD THE WOLF CRY TO THE BLUE CORN MOON! OR ASKED THE GRINNING-OW!" And then someone rear ended me. It was VERY surprising and my head smacked into the head "rest." We pulled into the a parking lot and the kid jumped out of his car: "OMG I'm so sorry! Are you ok?! How's your car? I swear I wasn't even texting or anything!" So after I reassured him. I went through this huge process of getting my purse out of the car, which took like a million steps for some reason, I kept almost getting it out and then got distracted by him saying something and would leave it in the front seat. And shut the door! Wtf? Makes no sense. And that whole process somehow broke my watch. Logic? No. So I finally got my info out, and he discovered that he didn't have his insurance card.
Kid: "So you really need the insurance info?"
Me: "Well yeah it's a good idea, just to have all our bases covered."
Kid: "Really because I wasn't even going to bother telling my Dad, I'm not going to like come after your insurance or anything."
Me: "Oh I believe you...But I still need your insurance."
Kid: Visibly crestfallen. "Ok I'll call my dad..."
I had him call his dad and meanwhile I called MY dad to make sure I was doing this right and eventually he got a hold of his dad and handed me the phone.
Me: "Hi."
Bill: "I'm so sorry my son rear-ended you."
Me: Lets that joke go..."Oh these things happen."
Bill: "Do you want a couple hundred bucks for the damage? I work in an auto shop you can bring it by and I'll give you an oil change, lube job, anything you want."
Me: Lets lube job joke slide by... "Well I'm not worried about any damage, it seems pretty minimal but I do want to make sure I get all the info."
Bill: "Ok here's the policy number, the insurance company, and here's my number, and the shop I work at and my name and my wife's name."
Me: "...alrighty then...well thank you."
So my car is fine. Well, it wasn't damaged. It has other issues. And I feel bad for the kid. But my back was already messed up this week and now I've got this super awesome burning sensation on my neck and upper back and the ibuprofen I took made me sick at work and didn't alleviate any pain. I spent all evening at work going back and forth between feeling fine but achy and sick and about to burst into tears. No logic.
Tuesday, May 7, 2013
9 Things That are Annoying
These things bug me.
1. This really bugs me about multiple choice questions:
"Super fancy school question."
a.) Possible answer.
b.) Another possible answer.
c.) None of the above.
d.) All of the above.
How? How will the answer ever be d? And you're the one testing me? Either you or your testing bank should be seriously, seriously ashamed of yourself.
2. "ur" and "u."
Now I don't have a problem with abbreviations and acronyms as a whole. But first of all, "ur" cannot possibly be a replacement. It doesn't sound like "your" or "you're." And it doesn't differentiate between the two forms at all so you're just writing letters.
Secondly yes "u" sounds like "you" (and it saves you all of two letters). But if you capitalize it you no longer have a pronoun, you have the symbol for Uranium. Which is probably not what you were talking about. If it was what you were talking about then I'm sorry and we should chat because U is really interesting and I want to learn more about it (see what I did there? Just used it correctly. Ha-ha-SUCK IT).
3. I really like the Numa-Numa song. And it's not super popular anymore. Makes me sad.
4. I don't understand why Fox News still exists. I can only conclude that there are people even dumber than Fox News watching Fox News and this makes me very, very sad.
These are the people who use "ur."
5. Words with Friends is not the same as Scrabble and it's not as good as Scrabble and it doesn't follow proper word-game rules. Which are the rules of Scrabble. Or use the Official Scrabble Player's Dictionary which is the correct word-game dictionary. And yet on Facebook everyone plays Words with Friends. Dumb.
And for some reason people stopped playing it with me because I either beat them or insisted on playing until I beat them. Because I guess that was "really annoying." Jerks.
6. When my back doesn't pop for no good reason. Even though I'm doing exactly the same thing that made it pop last time.
7. People who call me instead of texting me. There's a very small group of people I would rather talk to on the phone and about half of them are my mom. Soooo yeah...
8. People putting ice in my drink when I specifically order no ice. And I can tell when it's going to happen too. I know if they're listening closely or not. Even when they repeat back my no ice part of my order often they STILL give me ice. Bastards.
9. "Shine bright like a diamond(x572)" NO. I will be a dark sooty piece of coal my whole life just to spite you. I hate it sooo much. "Flames...flames, on the side of my face."
1. This really bugs me about multiple choice questions:
"Super fancy school question."
a.) Possible answer.
b.) Another possible answer.
c.) None of the above.
d.) All of the above.
How? How will the answer ever be d? And you're the one testing me? Either you or your testing bank should be seriously, seriously ashamed of yourself.
2. "ur" and "u."
Now I don't have a problem with abbreviations and acronyms as a whole. But first of all, "ur" cannot possibly be a replacement. It doesn't sound like "your" or "you're." And it doesn't differentiate between the two forms at all so you're just writing letters.
Secondly yes "u" sounds like "you" (and it saves you all of two letters). But if you capitalize it you no longer have a pronoun, you have the symbol for Uranium. Which is probably not what you were talking about. If it was what you were talking about then I'm sorry and we should chat because U is really interesting and I want to learn more about it (see what I did there? Just used it correctly. Ha-ha-SUCK IT).
3. I really like the Numa-Numa song. And it's not super popular anymore. Makes me sad.
4. I don't understand why Fox News still exists. I can only conclude that there are people even dumber than Fox News watching Fox News and this makes me very, very sad.
These are the people who use "ur."
5. Words with Friends is not the same as Scrabble and it's not as good as Scrabble and it doesn't follow proper word-game rules. Which are the rules of Scrabble. Or use the Official Scrabble Player's Dictionary which is the correct word-game dictionary. And yet on Facebook everyone plays Words with Friends. Dumb.
And for some reason people stopped playing it with me because I either beat them or insisted on playing until I beat them. Because I guess that was "really annoying." Jerks.
6. When my back doesn't pop for no good reason. Even though I'm doing exactly the same thing that made it pop last time.
7. People who call me instead of texting me. There's a very small group of people I would rather talk to on the phone and about half of them are my mom. Soooo yeah...
8. People putting ice in my drink when I specifically order no ice. And I can tell when it's going to happen too. I know if they're listening closely or not. Even when they repeat back my no ice part of my order often they STILL give me ice. Bastards.
9. "Shine bright like a diamond(x572)" NO. I will be a dark sooty piece of coal my whole life just to spite you. I hate it sooo much. "Flames...flames, on the side of my face."
Sunday, May 5, 2013
Sometimes
Sometimes
you are walked slowly to
the precipice
of a moment
a change,
a paradigm shift.
Or
you are dragged
screaming, to the cliff-side;
clawing the ground.
And dirt clods
crumble
and fall.
Maybe
you turn around quite
suddenly
and there you are,
the leap,
a tentative step,
one inch more.
Sometimes
you make the fall,
careening,
downward,
in progress.
But the wind invigorates
at least
on the way down.
And this
is better
than standing stomach
clenched
on the edge.
Wednesday, May 1, 2013
Prepare to be incredulous...
Recently I have been whining that I haven't seen any classic 80's movies. And usually this is how that conversation goes:
Me: "Yeah I haven't really seen any of those classic 80's movies."
Person: "Like what?"
Me: "Um, like Breakfast Club? 16 Candles? Stuff like that."
Person: "OMG YOU HAVEN'T SEEN BREAKFAST CLUB? But you've seen Pretty in Pink right?"
Me: "No."
Person: "WHAT?!!?! Ok but you've seen like Ghostbusters right?"
Me: "No I really haven't seen anyth-"
Person: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! What 80's movies have you seen?"
Me: "Uh...well we watched Indiana Jones and Star Trek a lot at my house..."
Person: "Ok, promise me you will watch *insertfavoritemovie*"
ME: "Oh yeah, totally..."
To clarify, I mean 80's movies that I feel like most people have seen or heard of. This is based on what I have seen, what I grew up hearing referenced and ones that people get actually angry with me for not having seen. Like I've violated some human movie contract. Also I'm not talking weird cult favorite B movies or anything like that. When I say "classic 80s movies" this is generally what I mean (and maybe some are '79 or whatever, who cares):
Star Wars (all), Shining, Blues Brothers, Indiana Jones (any), E.T., Star Trek (any), A Christmas Story, Terminator, Gremlins, Karate Kid, Back to the Future, Breakfast Club, Goonies, Ferris Bueller, Top Gun, Labyrinth, Princess Bride, Dirty Dancing, Die Hard, Beetle Juice, Roger Rabbit, Harry Met Sally, 16 Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ghostbusters, etc. etc.
So of that list above I have NOT SEEN:
The Shining
Blues Brothers
Terminator
Gremlins
Karate Kid
Ferris Bueller
Top Gun
Dirty Dancing
Die Hard
Beetle Juice
Harry Met Sally
16 Candles
Pretty in Pink
Ghostbusters
I believe I have seen Christmas Story and Goonies all the way through, but Goonies I barely saw last year.
Speaking of Christmas Story, I hate that movie. It's creepy, they swear in it and somehow every kid grew up watching it? What? Who let you watch that? It's just weird. AND I also hated Who Framed Roger Rabbit when I was growing up. And I haven't seen it for years, but it's probably still a creepy-ass movie. The guy melting? Terrifying. The weird, weird, WEIRD relationship between Jessica Rabbit and Roger Rabbit? I'm sorry, but that would never happen. There is no way that someone as hot as Jessica would bother with Roger Rabbit. Guy is a moron. And so loud! He's always yelling about stuff. Don't like the movie. Don't like the ride at Disneyland. Don't like it. I'll probably get a lot of crap for it, but I don't like E.T. either. Yes it was ground-breaking and yes it was heart-warming but I just don't have pleasant feelings attached to that movie. I don't know why. It skeeves me out.
On a related note, I purposefully have not watched Beetlejuice every Halloween on ABC family because are you kidding? Looks effing creepy.
I just barely watched Breakfast Club today, and it is a fantastic movie! It deserves to be a classic. But everyone is all over me for not having seen it ages ago and I'm watching it and it's an R rated movie. It has the F word, it has adult themes, it's a legit R rated movie. I ask you, when the hell was I supposed to have seen it? I am 24. Why would I have grown up watching it? I was under age 10 for the 90s? My mother had standards and didn't randomly let me watch R rated movies. I would say no offense to you and how you were raised but seriously? Parenting fail for you my friend, hate to break it to you. I didn't see an (unedited) PG-13 movie until I was...13! Wow. How horrible of me. Watching appropriate content for my age group. Horrible. I didn't see an R rated movie until I was 17. Maybe. It might have been 18. So it's only horrifying that I haven't seen Breakfast Club in the last like 5 years. And CLEARLY ya'll aren't sitting around watching it everyday so when would I have seen it? My parents don't watch R movies. So this is all on my friends. YOUR FAULT.
That can actually apply to any of these movies that are R or inappropriate. And it's not my mom and dad's fault. It's my friends' fault. It is a friend's job to expose you to all the weird, creepy, messed up, awesome, hilarious stuff that you need to be a well-rounded person.
And as for the movies that do not fall into the above category, such as Karate Kid, I don't have a good excuse. We watched Star Wars a lot. And Star Trek. And then we watched Disney! Kid's movies! I was a big fan of Bingo as a kid. I saw it as an adult and it was creepier than any other movie I've ever seen. But it was a kid's movie! I also have a deep and abiding love for Homeward Bound. I still love that movie. I will watch it any time. Any time. And my brother and I watched cartoons! Saturday morning! So sorry for being childlike in my childhood.
To sum up. No I haven't seen your favorite 80's movie. And yes I have probably laughed at a quote or reference you made without knowing what the hell you were talking about. I recognize they are good movies, I promise I am trying to rectify the situation. I'm going to watch Stand By Me tomorrow! I'm getting there. I mostly want to watch it because it has Whil Wheaton in it, but it counts. If you can think of other phenomenal movies that you think "everyone" has seen let me know! And then loan it to me! Or invite me over! If it's so damn important make it happen!
Me: "Yeah I haven't really seen any of those classic 80's movies."
Person: "Like what?"
Me: "Um, like Breakfast Club? 16 Candles? Stuff like that."
Person: "OMG YOU HAVEN'T SEEN BREAKFAST CLUB? But you've seen Pretty in Pink right?"
Me: "No."
Person: "WHAT?!!?! Ok but you've seen like Ghostbusters right?"
Me: "No I really haven't seen anyth-"
Person: "WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?! What 80's movies have you seen?"
Me: "Uh...well we watched Indiana Jones and Star Trek a lot at my house..."
Person: "Ok, promise me you will watch *insertfavoritemovie*"
ME: "Oh yeah, totally..."
To clarify, I mean 80's movies that I feel like most people have seen or heard of. This is based on what I have seen, what I grew up hearing referenced and ones that people get actually angry with me for not having seen. Like I've violated some human movie contract. Also I'm not talking weird cult favorite B movies or anything like that. When I say "classic 80s movies" this is generally what I mean (and maybe some are '79 or whatever, who cares):
Star Wars (all), Shining, Blues Brothers, Indiana Jones (any), E.T., Star Trek (any), A Christmas Story, Terminator, Gremlins, Karate Kid, Back to the Future, Breakfast Club, Goonies, Ferris Bueller, Top Gun, Labyrinth, Princess Bride, Dirty Dancing, Die Hard, Beetle Juice, Roger Rabbit, Harry Met Sally, 16 Candles, Pretty in Pink, Ghostbusters, etc. etc.
So of that list above I have NOT SEEN:
The Shining
Blues Brothers
Terminator
Gremlins
Karate Kid
Ferris Bueller
Top Gun
Dirty Dancing
Die Hard
Beetle Juice
Harry Met Sally
16 Candles
Pretty in Pink
Ghostbusters
I believe I have seen Christmas Story and Goonies all the way through, but Goonies I barely saw last year.
Speaking of Christmas Story, I hate that movie. It's creepy, they swear in it and somehow every kid grew up watching it? What? Who let you watch that? It's just weird. AND I also hated Who Framed Roger Rabbit when I was growing up. And I haven't seen it for years, but it's probably still a creepy-ass movie. The guy melting? Terrifying. The weird, weird, WEIRD relationship between Jessica Rabbit and Roger Rabbit? I'm sorry, but that would never happen. There is no way that someone as hot as Jessica would bother with Roger Rabbit. Guy is a moron. And so loud! He's always yelling about stuff. Don't like the movie. Don't like the ride at Disneyland. Don't like it. I'll probably get a lot of crap for it, but I don't like E.T. either. Yes it was ground-breaking and yes it was heart-warming but I just don't have pleasant feelings attached to that movie. I don't know why. It skeeves me out.
On a related note, I purposefully have not watched Beetlejuice every Halloween on ABC family because are you kidding? Looks effing creepy.
I just barely watched Breakfast Club today, and it is a fantastic movie! It deserves to be a classic. But everyone is all over me for not having seen it ages ago and I'm watching it and it's an R rated movie. It has the F word, it has adult themes, it's a legit R rated movie. I ask you, when the hell was I supposed to have seen it? I am 24. Why would I have grown up watching it? I was under age 10 for the 90s? My mother had standards and didn't randomly let me watch R rated movies. I would say no offense to you and how you were raised but seriously? Parenting fail for you my friend, hate to break it to you. I didn't see an (unedited) PG-13 movie until I was...13! Wow. How horrible of me. Watching appropriate content for my age group. Horrible. I didn't see an R rated movie until I was 17. Maybe. It might have been 18. So it's only horrifying that I haven't seen Breakfast Club in the last like 5 years. And CLEARLY ya'll aren't sitting around watching it everyday so when would I have seen it? My parents don't watch R movies. So this is all on my friends. YOUR FAULT.
That can actually apply to any of these movies that are R or inappropriate. And it's not my mom and dad's fault. It's my friends' fault. It is a friend's job to expose you to all the weird, creepy, messed up, awesome, hilarious stuff that you need to be a well-rounded person.
And as for the movies that do not fall into the above category, such as Karate Kid, I don't have a good excuse. We watched Star Wars a lot. And Star Trek. And then we watched Disney! Kid's movies! I was a big fan of Bingo as a kid. I saw it as an adult and it was creepier than any other movie I've ever seen. But it was a kid's movie! I also have a deep and abiding love for Homeward Bound. I still love that movie. I will watch it any time. Any time. And my brother and I watched cartoons! Saturday morning! So sorry for being childlike in my childhood.
To sum up. No I haven't seen your favorite 80's movie. And yes I have probably laughed at a quote or reference you made without knowing what the hell you were talking about. I recognize they are good movies, I promise I am trying to rectify the situation. I'm going to watch Stand By Me tomorrow! I'm getting there. I mostly want to watch it because it has Whil Wheaton in it, but it counts. If you can think of other phenomenal movies that you think "everyone" has seen let me know! And then loan it to me! Or invite me over! If it's so damn important make it happen!
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