“Deedee.”
“Hmm?”
“Deedee.”
“What?”
“DEEDEE!”
“I said what!”
“Do you remember?”
“Remember what?”
“Do you remember why you’re here? Do you know what happened?” They’re acting like I’m some elderly person with my mind half gone. Of course I remember. I’ll always remember. But I don’t know what it is at the moment. It’s something terrible judging by their faces.
“Deedee do you know why you’re in the hospital?”
“I remember coming to the hospital. I was in a lot of pain.”
“But you don’t know why?” This was getting aggravating. I just told them why.
“Yeah, I was in a lot of pain.”
“Deedee do you remember why you were in pain?” Oh my god. I remember, I remember the pain. But it wasn’t the pain they were thinking of. I remember the pain from before. Before what they remember. I don’t remember the memory they have though. Why did it hurt so much outside? It usually hurts on the inside. But I don’t remember what was on the inside. The outside hurts too much to think.
“I’m not talking right now. I hurt.”
“But Deedee do you remember why?!”
“That’s enough, let me talk to her.” A new voice entered. A calm and terrible voice. I know this voice, he’s a paingiver. This voice gave me the first pain, the inside pain.
“No, I don’t want you. I want to sleep.”
“I have to tell you some things first Deedee, this is the first time in two days you’ve been fully aware of what’s going on.” Terrible terrible voice keeps talking to me. I hate that voice. But maybe I am fully aware. And maybe then the voice will leave without giving more pain.
“No it’s ok. I understand why I’m here. Everyone you don’t have to worry.” There are so many faces around me. Most are paingivers. But not on purpose, I’m sure they’re lovely people. I remember many of them have been in my house before, I better remember to thank them for stopping by the hospital.
“Deedee you’re in the hospital.” Yes, yes I know.
“You were brought in by your husband.” Oh yes, that face at the end. He isn’t usually a paingiver, except for once.
“He brought you in because you were hit by a car.” Oh the car I remember the car. The car was an outside paingiver, not an inside paingiver. I can stand outside ones.
“Yes I remember that. No need to look so serious. I’m alive aren’t I?”
“But…do you want to be alive, honey?” Paingiver voice. But I think it’s my sister’s. She never means the pain. Why would she ask that? She wants me to be alive I’m sure. I don’t answer; such a ridiculous question.
“Deedee you were seen to jump in front of the car. Your husband Jack said he was walking after you in the rain to bring you home when suddenly you turned and jumped into the street and were hit by an oncoming car.” Doctor doctor paingiver why would he tell me this? I didn’t remember and now I remember but I don’t want to know the end. The end will tear it all apart. I was so close, so unlucky.
“Deedee when I found you…” Jack’s voice choked, is he crying? He never cries. Heartless. But so caring. But he couldn’t cry when he needed to. Because I didn’t cry. Crying is for feeling and my feelings were dead.
“Honey I’m sorry about his rainboots. I left them out, I was moving boxes, I didn’t know you would see.” Jack was crying. How strange. I remember the rainboots. So little, he only wore them the one time. He would have grown out of them soon. Good thing he was wearing them, it was raining that day. It was also raining with the car.
“Deedee,” doctor began quietly, so quietly, but I still could hear. Dear God don’t let me hear.
“Deedee the rainboots were found with you. Knocked out of your hands. Clearly this is linked to Jonathan’s death. You’re going to be here for a long time undergoing intense psychotherapy and it will be hard, but everyone here cares about you and things are going to get better we promise.” There are the memories. The bastard brought them back. I finally knocked them out and he brought them back. Doctor paingiver that’s all he is. I know what he’s saying. I understand now. So they’re going to fix it? They can make it go away? I give them all my best smile:
“Lies.”
